Hey guys. Please excuse me while I snuggle into this little corner of the Internet.
I wrote that on Monday. It still applies so I'm keeping it. I also wrote:
[10/06] My cold is slowly ceasing to kick my ass. Very slowly. I just thought about cupcakes and didn't immediately want to vomit (though I'm still waaaay not in the mood) so I think it's going to be a while yet since I'm all patched up. Yes, I'm measuring the state of my recovery in cupcakes. [/10/06]
I still don't want cupcakes. But I think I'm fine. Some coughing here and there but I feel human again, and like I can breathe and my head is not out to kill me.
My brain, though, I don't know about that one. I've been having ups and downs, mostly because... money. I'm really scared I'm going to have to ask my mom to send me some, and I don't even know if she can
. She's got two phone bills to pay and I'm trying to get a courier service to send my coat to me in exchange for a blog review, but. I need to make £220 by Monday, £60 by Friday, at least, and I fell behind because of my cold and I'm just mildly terrified. Even if I write a bunch of posts for Photodoto, I won't get paid until next week at the earliest, and I don't have any sponsored post leads at the moment — or, I have one, but I don't know how quickly it will pay. Still, it's £50 in the near future when it does. And I sent an invoice for hosting to someone, and that's £60 but I didn't give her a due date so also don't know when it will come in. And I sort-of-upsold (it was kind of necessary) a label design client on a logo redesign, but I don't know when she's going to pay for that, either.
And I never count on these things, which is good in some ways, but I don't know. Things usually work out somehow, but that's not any kind of safety. I don't think my landlady will kick me out if I'm late on rent, but I would much rather not be. And meanwhile I've got things to do, pictures to edit, design work to complete, articles to write. Sometimes I'm able to focus and some other times I just freak out and don't do anything, which obviously helps matters not at all. I want — need — to share some design work on my blog to promote it, but that doesn't mean anyone will buy anything straight away. I want to put together my own media kit and youtube the process. I want to write up a template to pitch my work to brands for sponsored posts and whatnot. I want to make a Plan to make my Ideal Monthly Income and it's like,
if I have this much trouble making £220, how the fuck am I ever going to make £2k in a month? And half of that is the flu setting me back and half of that is my backlog and half of that is my guilt and half of that is the fact that my website is going to take a lot more work than I expected from something allegedly worth ten grand and half of that — yes, okay, that's a lot of halves, bear with me — is never having known anything but struggling to stay afloat. In comparison to last year, I'm doing amazingly
well, because otherwise I can't pay rent, and rent is £700+ a month. That's twice what my family have been living on per month for the past five or six years. But rent is about as far as it stretches, and it doesn't feel very secure. Which, I'm working on it. That's the whole point. That's why I keep looking for writing gigs. And other things, obviously, but writing gigs have been the most regular-work thing I've found so far.
I don't feel very confident about the photography thing, either, and part of that is reality and part of that is really wanting a 50mm lens and part of that is, I don't know. It's what I really love to do, but sometimes I feel like I'm putting too much focus on it when I should be marketing myself as a graphic designer instead. But photography is what I love to do, and what I want to be my main source of income eventually. But. But.
[pause where I made a new banner and avatar for my Etsy design shop for the first time since I stocked it up last November]
I look forward to the day I come here and don't talk about money. Really I do. Imagine how much you want me to stop talking about money and multiply it by like, four or five or something, I don't know how much you want me to stop talking about money but I'm sure it's a fair bit, and that's how much I wish I could stop being a pain in my own ass and also other people's asses about it.
I need to go to sleep. Next post I'll talk about actual things, I'm determined.You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. ( comments)