L.
25 October 2014 @ 02:16 am
...  
I forgot how to yuletide

help me

read: seriously I have no idea what to offer or request. But I don't want to sit it out! But I have no idea what to offer or request... especially request.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)
 
 
L.
09 October 2014 @ 03:38 am
...  
Hey guys. Please excuse me while I snuggle into this little corner of the Internet.

I wrote that on Monday. It still applies so I'm keeping it. I also wrote:

[10/06] My cold is slowly ceasing to kick my ass. Very slowly. I just thought about cupcakes and didn't immediately want to vomit (though I'm still waaaay not in the mood) so I think it's going to be a while yet since I'm all patched up. Yes, I'm measuring the state of my recovery in cupcakes. [/10/06]

I still don't want cupcakes. But I think I'm fine. Some coughing here and there but I feel human again, and like I can breathe and my head is not out to kill me.

My brain, though, I don't know about that one. I've been having ups and downs, mostly because... money. I'm really scared I'm going to have to ask my mom to send me some, and I don't even know if she can. She's got two phone bills to pay and I'm trying to get a courier service to send my coat to me in exchange for a blog review, but. I need to make £220 by Monday, £60 by Friday, at least, and I fell behind because of my cold and I'm just mildly terrified. Even if I write a bunch of posts for Photodoto, I won't get paid until next week at the earliest, and I don't have any sponsored post leads at the moment — or, I have one, but I don't know how quickly it will pay. Still, it's £50 in the near future when it does. And I sent an invoice for hosting to someone, and that's £60 but I didn't give her a due date so also don't know when it will come in. And I sort-of-upsold (it was kind of necessary) a label design client on a logo redesign, but I don't know when she's going to pay for that, either.

And I never count on these things, which is good in some ways, but I don't know. Things usually work out somehow, but that's not any kind of safety. I don't think my landlady will kick me out if I'm late on rent, but I would much rather not be. And meanwhile I've got things to do, pictures to edit, design work to complete, articles to write. Sometimes I'm able to focus and some other times I just freak out and don't do anything, which obviously helps matters not at all. I want — need — to share some design work on my blog to promote it, but that doesn't mean anyone will buy anything straight away. I want to put together my own media kit and youtube the process. I want to write up a template to pitch my work to brands for sponsored posts and whatnot. I want to make a Plan to make my Ideal Monthly Income and it's like,

if I have this much trouble making £220, how the fuck am I ever going to make £2k in a month? And half of that is the flu setting me back and half of that is my backlog and half of that is my guilt and half of that is the fact that my website is going to take a lot more work than I expected from something allegedly worth ten grand and half of that — yes, okay, that's a lot of halves, bear with me — is never having known anything but struggling to stay afloat. In comparison to last year, I'm doing amazingly well, because otherwise I can't pay rent, and rent is £700+ a month. That's twice what my family have been living on per month for the past five or six years. But rent is about as far as it stretches, and it doesn't feel very secure. Which, I'm working on it. That's the whole point. That's why I keep looking for writing gigs. And other things, obviously, but writing gigs have been the most regular-work thing I've found so far.

I don't feel very confident about the photography thing, either, and part of that is reality and part of that is really wanting a 50mm lens and part of that is, I don't know. It's what I really love to do, but sometimes I feel like I'm putting too much focus on it when I should be marketing myself as a graphic designer instead. But photography is what I love to do, and what I want to be my main source of income eventually. But. But.

Eurgh.

[pause where I made a new banner and avatar for my Etsy design shop for the first time since I stocked it up last November]

Seriously. Eurgh.

I look forward to the day I come here and don't talk about money. Really I do. Imagine how much you want me to stop talking about money and multiply it by like, four or five or something, I don't know how much you want me to stop talking about money but I'm sure it's a fair bit, and that's how much I wish I could stop being a pain in my own ass and also other people's asses about it.

I need to go to sleep. Next post I'll talk about actual things, I'm determined.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)
 
 
L.
01 October 2014 @ 05:23 am
...  
I decided to be more me and less "blog rules" and posted a proper ton-of-photos post on my blog. They're all from a walk around Crouch End in June, because yes, that is how behind I am (actually my behindness starts in April, for photos) and also I really do get a lot done in an hour. I keep saying that. My hourly rates are sooo fair for the amount I get done in an hour if I actually focus.

Focusing is terribly hard though.

I'm feeling a little better from my cold. I actually went to sleep right after I made my last post where I said I was just going to get up, because I was cold so I curled up under the duvet and just slept some more. Until 4 PM. And sweated a lot. Woke up feeling really, really gross. But I could breathe through my nose again, which was nice, and I made it into the shower, and when I came out I was faint and had to lie down but then I managed to go get the cash for rent and buy some healthy type food. Apparently when I'm sick all I want to eat is veggies and soup? And I can't make the soup I like, so... I went for the broccoli. Ate the chicken I had in the fridge too, because the expiry date was Sep 30 and I don't know anything about meat so I didn't want to risk it. (I often eat broccoli that's like, seven days past expiry date. My mom said it was fine, and it HAS been fine.)

Anyway, my headache even dissipated after taking another ibuprofen and having a proper meal. It still flares up sometimes, but at least it's not a constant pounding in my head. Now I'm at the stage of the cold where I keep coughing painfully. I like it a lot better than whatever yesterday was. I haven't even tried to sleep though. I changed into pjs and got in bed but... eh. This is probably going to come back to bite me. Either that or I'll accidentally go to sleep at 8 AM again, but I'm not feeling sleep at all today. Possibly because I basically spent 36 hours straight in bed. I'm going to need another ibuprofen though.

Ugh, I have to deal with email. And work and things. And make money. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I had a really boring job where I'd get a safe and sure monthly paycheck and I could just zone out for eight hours at a desk and then go home and do whatever I wanted. I'm trying to achieve this for myself, with my freelance/small business work, but I suck at time management, sticking to schedules, getting up in the morning, etc. I'm becoming more responsible though. It's taken me two years to get here but that lesson is finally starting to sink in to the part of my brain that regulates how I actually behave, rather than how I want to behave. What's it like having a brain that works with you instead of against you? Must be nice.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go cough some more.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)
 
 
L.
01 June 2014 @ 01:52 pm
...  
Guys. I may have moved to London. Indefinitely.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)
 
 
L.
22 April 2014 @ 01:08 am
...  
Guys.

I may be moving to London...

...in a week.

I can't believe this is happening. Holy fucking shit.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)
 
 
L.
21 March 2014 @ 10:17 pm
...  
I swear this week started off benign.

I feel like shit today. I felt like shit yesterday. I had a full-on meltdown last night. Part of it is hormones and part of it is mental illness and part of it is my father being the way that he is and it's all the usual but I'm taking it really badly this week. I have so many things I'm excited about but my brain keeps crashing on me and my father keeps making my mom cry and I keep oversleeping and my motivation is dead and I'm an emotionless robot except when I'm not and I just feel like shit instead.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fix it but even if I did or even when I do things like troll sites and hashtags for paying opportunities and work and blog and do things, it doesn't work for shit and I'm exhausted and how much longer am I supposed to have to put up with this? Because, like, god, I don't know, I feel like my business is going somewhere and I can get somewhere and I can do something but then my father was approved for unemployment benefits and THAT IS SUCH A GOOD THING except for how he's being controlling and taking the chance to make my mom feel small and insult her at every goddamn fucking opportunity and

it's not even spilling over to me but I have to hear him say shit and then accuse her of playing the victim and complaining too much and I'm gonna put a fucking gun to somebody's head and one day I'm going to get a therapist and the first thing I'm going to do is list all the stuff I know I struggle with like trich and motivation issues and social anxiety and list all the stuff I will leave her (it will be a her) if she even suggests I have like separation anxiety and blaming anything my parents have done on me and I will be very clear that I have awful anger management issues and employ a terribly violent rhetoric but it's all passive

it's ALL passive. It's ALL PASSIVE. I DO NOTHING. I DON'T GET ANYTHING DONE. I want out I want out I want out. I want to go to London and I'm going to see [personal profile] annemari and every five minutes I struggle with that decision because I could rent a place here instead, I could rent a place and move out with my mom and then I'd be on my own and we wouldn't have any money except what I made and would that paralyze me, would that paralyze me, would that paralyze me

:(

I miss you. I miss only having fandom to worry about. I miss you all. I swear this week started off benign.

edit: and if I move out will I have to wait for an Internet connection, will I have to ask my father to let me take his mom's sewing machine with me, will I have to pay bills on top of the rent, I don't know how this works I don't know what I'm doing I'm not ready.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)
 
 
L.
12 January 2014 @ 04:48 pm
...  
Somebody tell me why I thought the second half of this week would be quiet and allow me to work on some things because I have no idea. First my sister didn't go to school on Thursday OR Friday, then she roped me into going shopping with her and my cousins on Saturday (which was fine, I got a hoodie out of it AND I may no longer hate that cousin I've severely disliked since... a particular incident occurred), then I can't for the life of me remember what the heck I did yesterday besides catch up on my Bloglovin feed, but probably not much because I went to sleep at like, 9 PM since I was exhausted (I didn't sleep all night Friday), then I woke up this morning and fell asleep waiting for my sister to get out of bed and when I woke up again my aunt and cousins were here and I got up to say goodbye to them and my grandma and then pandemonium!!! Because in all the looking forward to getting my room back it hadn't occurred to me that my sister tidying and rearranging her own room and the furniture in it would be a pain in the ass FOR ME.

But it is. Being a pain in the ass for me, that is. I just want her to take her stuff out and be gone. I did hang out the laundry, which I was going to do so I could do my own laundry but then it turned out the clean stuff in the washing machine included a bunch of my clothes so thanks for that, mom, much appreciated. Still need to do another load with my white sweater and my favorite jeans but I haven't got to that yet. Not sure my mom will love me if I do since my sister moving rooms has produced a lot of laundry to be done (bed linen tower!).

oh cool I just won a giveaway. Giveaways are nice. This one was - a $25 Etsy gift card, cool. :D Screenprinted tee? Or supplies of some sort.

Anyway, sister seems to be taking a break from getting her room ready. Mom's napping. I should eat something and like, think about what exactly I need to do with my room. I may move a shelf, maybe. Beyond that it's mostly tidying shelves and closet and drawers. Space, yay. I do want to do SOMEthing to make my room more, IDK, inhabitable and pleasant as a workspace but I haven't fully settled on anything yet. Ideally I'd like to replace my creaky old chair and add a table/desk/thing next to mine or across from mine to hold my sewing machine and an ironing mat, but it's like, an Expense as well as an investment but only a temporary one because I do want to move within the year and I'm just not sure. I'll check eBay and look around town and see how I feel about it after that. The thing is, I need to know that in order to figure out where the rest of the furniture goes. I just want something functional, though if it doesn't clash with the rest of my room, that'd be nice. I'd like my space to be mildly photographable.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)
Tags:
 
 
L.
11 January 2014 @ 02:47 am
...  
I've been waiting on a Spoonflower package for a month and it only just occurred to me to see if it had tracking. IT DID. The number tells me it was accepted by my local post office ON DECEMBER 23. 23!!!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS IT? I checked on correos.es and the number isn't even showing up on there!!!!! WHAT THE HELL DID THE POST OFFICE DO WITH MY FUCKING FABRIC?????????? I'm heading there tomorrow morning, tracking number (and probs mom, it's addressed to her) in tow. I am not even a little bit amused.

Which seriously wasn't needed because I already got up super angry (and sweating from being in bed so long and having nightmares). I'm so frustrated - I went on a sort of forced vacation starting with a blog break because I KNEW having my sister around during her winter break would make it impossible to do anything, so I pushed off a couple of things and I set deadlines for Jan 10 and Jan 12 for two of them and I'VE ALREADY MISSED ONE because my sister went to school on Wednesday and then stayed home both yesterday and today because her legs hurt too much apparently, and I managed to get up on Thursday and kicked her out to the living room but today I had no willpower to do that and ugh. UGH.

I just. Sunday. Tomorrow she's going shopping in the morning with my cousin (I may tag along just to make sure she doesn't pull any crap*) and I think I'm staying up all night since I got up at 10 PM and I'm not even remotely sleepy or tired, just intermittently pissed. Then on Sunday she moves back into her own room! Because that cousin is here with her parents, who're coming to collect my grandma and take her back to Valencia with them and she won't move back in with us until next January, and by then by god I hope to be in London. I can't even stand the thought of having to room with my sister again. I just need to focus on the TWO THINGS I set deadlines for this week. I can make and shoot a coin purse and write a fucking post about ISO in two days, it won't kill me.

* mY SISTER. YOU GUYS. MY FUCKING SISTER. She's like- is she kidding me with this crap? She treats me like trash all the time, like she's borrowing material from my father and she's SO hurtful and so entitled and I don't even know how she can act like she does when I put up with SO MUCH CRAP and still treat her like a normal person and get her things. And she wants me to buy her tickets to Wizard Con in Madrid and she's simultaneously being an asshole and saving her own money for a PHONE which look. I get it. I don't think it's a terrible idea that she wants to buy a phone she can use WhatsApp on so she doesn't have to spend money on texts and calls. That's fine. But then she's told her cousin is coming to take her shopping (on said cousin) and she starts talking about how she might ask for a manga book or a toy instead DUDE YOU WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT NOT HAVING ENOUGH CLOTHES *THREE DAYS AGO* WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. You can download manga!!! Meanwhile I'm here worried about how my grandma leaving means we don't have a certain source of money anymore and my mom is HOPING the unemployment office gives either her or my father a job next month and she does have money for the next electricity bill but.

You guys, she told me she took her trankimazin pills with her the last time she went to the unemployment office and was planning to OD on them and only didn't because of me and my sister. :((( Suicidal ideation/talking about it when she's angry and frustrated isn't new from her but that definitely fucking is (she was quiet and sad and crying and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong and then she did: that my aunt told her she wasn't going to come around anymore after my grandma left, because apparently my mom wasn't doing ENOUGH, not looking hard enough for a job, jesus fucking christ) and my sister won't be PRACTICAL and I just need her to be practical for a few months so I can get my business off the ground and I think I finally got through to her tonight (she was so surprised when I said that it'd always been my plan to become financially solvent and help her and my mom out, like, what? How do people who live with me miss the point of ME so thoroughly?).

So... yeah. My sister is reading now. She asked if I was planning to stay up all night and I didn't bother to say no. I don't know if she's planning to go to sleep at some point or not but her being up means I can keep the light on and the door closed and maybe do SOME things so I'm not going to complain. I'm just not.

I can't wait for Sunday.

You can also read this post on Dreamwidth. (comment count unavailable comments)